The Barnacle’s Fantastic Elastic Plastic Penis.

My buddy J. Matt studies sex allocation in hermaphroditic marine intertidal barnacles. In other words: How much should wet, salty, crusty she-males that live on the rocks invest in each of their naughty bits?

Barnacles are sessile (permanently fixed to a location, like a tree) crustaceans that maintain both male and female reproductive organs throughout the year, but they make their penises bigger in the fall when mating gets hot and heavy. But in addition to this seasonal change in the size of their trouser snake, barnacles can also sense features of their physical environment and use that information to change the dimensions of their John Thomas. If their neighborhood is crowded, they presumably needn’t invest much to fertilize their neighbors. When potential mates are distantly scattered, getting action can require quite a stretch. So barnacles make tiny tadgers when they’re rubbing against their consorts and lengthy dongs when their lovers are far.

The motion of the ocean can also affect how barnacles get it on. In protected coves, barnacle sex occurs unfettered by the destructive force of incoming waves. But when barnacles expose their Willies to crashing waves, they risk a fate I’d wish upon no functional male: breaking off the wang. Changing the length of the penis doesn’t necessarily mitigate this monstrous consequence, but making it sturdier at the base may help. Barnacles growing where the sex is ho-hum have a smaller diameter at the base of their schlong, while those growing where the sex is rough give it girth.

For a scientific description of this research, please read:

HOCH, J. (2008). Variation in penis morphology and mating ability in the acorn barnacle, Semibalanus balanoides. Journal of Experimental Marine Biology and Ecology, 359(2), 126-130. DOI: 10.1016/j.jembe.2008.03.002

For another bloggers take on this research:

Zelnio, K. Environment Shapes Barnacle Penis. Deep Sea News: June 17, 2008

Some of the euphemisms for male sex organs were inspired by the Monty Python Song:

“Isn’t Awfully Nice to Have a Penis”